


Kyle's Boomin' Hike

by KPesh123



Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [16]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Writing, Beer, Best Friends, Binge Drinking, Camping, Childhood Friends, College, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Drug Use, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Forests, Friendship, Fucking, Good Writing, Heavy Drinking, Hiking, Late Night Writing, Marijuana, Mountains, Other, Party, Partying, Porn, Rape, Recreational Drug Use, References to Drugs, Sasquatch, Smoking, Summer, Summer Vacation, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, Whiskey & Scotch, Wilderness, Wilderness Survival, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26108551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: Kyle and The Boys decide to go on a hike.  They eventually run into some strange characters.
Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981





	Kyle's Boomin' Hike

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the other stories of Kyle's Boomin' Adventures.

Kyle’s Boomin Hike

Kyle and Malcolm had just come back from a two week vacation in Maine. It was there the two binge drank in the hotel room, ending in Kyle rage posting about people from his school and politics. Besides getting drunk and going on an emotional rampage, the two went to the beach, smoked cigars and ate the freshest seafood Maine had to offer. Even though Kyle got sick of Malcolm’s annoying aneurysms and wanted to kill him by the end of the trip, the two really enjoyed hiking and decided the boys must do that. 

Unfortunately for the boys, there were no mountains in their part of Central Jersey. The only mountains were up north where the Benny’s roamed. The boys needed to schedule a few days in order to pull off this excursion. Once Kyle and Malcolm returned, the boys started planning their day trip to the mountains.

The day came where the boys planned to hike. They found a mountain in Bergen County perfect for them to hike. Mount Faggetron was densely populated with trees and nature trails, the boys planned to start at the ground and work their way up to the top, where they would slam a bottle of Jack Daniels in honor of their success. Kyle picked each of the boys up, Malcolm being last as usual. 

Malcolm was never on time for anything. If the boys had reserved plans for a certain time, Malcolm would show up an hour late and yell at the boys if anyone tried to contact him beforehand. This was yet another scenario. Kyle called Malcolm and told him to be ready by 10:00am. It was 10:30am and he had not come out of his house. Kyle proceeded to call Malcolm to find out how much longer it would be. 

“Just give me a minute Jesus Christ!!!” Malcolm yelled.

“Let’s go retard.” Kyle responded.

Another ten minutes went by and there was no sign of Malcolm coming out of his house. The boys were annoyed beyond belief so they decided to go into Malcolm’s house and get him themselves. The boys opened Malcolm’s front door to find a surprising spectacle occurring before their very eyes. Malcolm and his father were in the middle of a severe fight. 

“God damnit Dad where the fuck is the Captain Crunch?!” Malcolm yelled.

“I told you Malcolm I did nothing to them!” Malcolm’s dad responded.

“You always do this shit! You got one more chance to tell me where you put the Captain Crunch!”

“I told you I didn’t steal it!!!” 

“That’s it.” Malcolm said, pulling out a gun. “Tell me where the Captain Crunch is or I’ll blow your fucking brains out.”

“You might want to fill your mag’s with bullets if you plan on shooting me.” Malcolm’s dad said.

“What?” Malcolm asked, confused looking at his gun.

Malcolm’s dad jumped up and slapped the gun out of Malcolm’s hand. His dad proceeded to punch Malcolm into submission and proceeded to whip him with his belt. Crying like a female hyena giving birth to quintuplets, Malcolm screeched beyond belief.

“You better learn that your actions cause your consequences! Why do you always do this you bum! Do you know what your actions call for mister? The belt bitch!!!” Malcolm’s dad yelled, whipping him.

“I just wanted some Captain Crunch!” Malcolm cried. 

The two then noticed a presence in their room, Malcolm’s dad stopped beating him and both of them looked up to find the boys looking in shock, as if they saw a Vietnamese soldier gut an American of every organ he had. Malcolm noticed Gianni had a box of Captain Crunch.

“Gianni! What the fuck?!” Malcolm yelled.

“Oh my bad, I got the munchies so I took your Captain Crunch.” Gianni replied.

“God damnit Gianni.” Jon commented.

“Alright let’s go already.” Kyle said.

The boys got into Kyle’s car and proceeded to drive to Mount Faggetron. The mountain itself was small compared to Mount Everest, making it easy for the boys to hike up within a day. The boys parked in the lot at the bottom of the mountain and got their equipment from the trunk of Kyle’s car. The boys brought a tent and sleeping bags, as well as their backpacks full of equipment needed to survive a hike such as water and beer. The boys proceeded to walk from Kyle’s car in the direction of the mountain. The parking lot was uneven and filled with potholes. While walking Nick tripped and fell.

“Ohhhh oh fuck!!” Nick yelled in pain. “Guys I think I twisted my ankle! I can’t go on!”

“Your ankle looks fine.” Mark said.

“Nope, it hurts like a mother fucker.” Nick responded.

“How do we know you are not doing this just to get out of hiking the mountain?” Jay asked.

“Fuck!!” Nick cried in pain. “You guys have to go on without me! I’m done for!” 

“Alright then. Let’s move boys.” Kyle said.

The boys left Nick to sit on the ground. The boys proceeded onward and started up the mountain. All was normal at first, the boys were enjoying the sounds and scenery of the mountain. The air was so fresh and pure it could clear any smokers lung, that was until they smelled something foul and disgusting polluting that air.

“Is that what I think it is?” Mark asked.

“Yes Mark, boof.” Kyle hissed. “These fuckers are around here somewhere.”

The boys looked around to see where the shitty smell was coming from. After a deep search, the boys found none other than The Boof Brigade smoking shitty weed tying themselves to trees. Kyle approached them at once.

“What the fuck are you retards doing now?” Kyle asked frustrated. 

“We are tying ourselves to these trees in order to protect this environment.” One of the members responded. 

“You know smoking that really shit weed is only polluting the environment. That shit is worse than a nuclear plant dumping waste into a river.” Kyle responded.

“But I have to hit da boof! How must I get zoinked on dat junko?” Another member asked.

“How about you smoke real weed retard, and don’t call it boof.” Malcolm stated.

“But it's da boof!!!” A member yelled.

Mark proceeded to walk over and knee the Boof member in the balls. Mark then took the shittily rolled joint and burned it into the member’s arm, causing him to squeal like a pig. Mark then shoved the joint down the member’s throat and watched him gag on it. 

“You know what? You pussies claim to be tree huggers, I’ve seen none of you actually fuck a tree!” Malcolm yelled.

“Oh god no Malcolm.” Jon said.

“Oh yes Jon! I’m gonna fuck a tree!!” Malcolm yelled.

Malcolm found a tree with a hole in it. Malcolm pulled down his pants and shoved his cock into the hole and proceeded to fuck the tree. With no lube or anything moist, Malcolm started to scream in pain as his dick was getting shredded against the tree wood. Nevertheless Malcolm persevered and continued to fuck the tree. It was then when a squirrel latched onto Malcolm’s dick and started gnawing on it. Malcolm pulled out screaming. He tugged at the squirrel which would not let go for its life. Malcolm proceeded to roll around on the ground until eventually that started a mudslide which took him along with The Boof Brigade down the mountain. Just like that Malcolm was gone from the picture. The boys continued upward. 

After a run in with The Boof Brigade, everything went back to normal. The scenery was surreal, something out of a painting. Kyle took many pictures of different plants and animals along the way. With no shitty weed in the air, the boys could breathe easily again. The boys heard rustling in the plants surrounding them, they didn’t pay attention thinking it was the wind. While continuing up the mountain the boys continued to hear the noise, they assumed it was a deer or some other animal that wouldn’t harm them. Finally after a few minutes of hearing rustling in the plants, a great beast appeared before the boys. The creature was immense in size and furry. At first the boys thought it was a bear, but that wasn’t the case. The beast standing before them was never seen before.

“Holy fuck it’s BigFoot!!!” Kyle yelled.

“Yo what’s good boys, you got any food?” BigFoot asked.

“I mean yea, but we need that food.” Mark responded.

“Damn, I really need that food though.” BigFoot said.

“I mean like, we can give you some food, you like Jack Links?” Jay asked.

“God damnit I fucking hate that shit!!!” BigFoot yelled. “I eat real meat like deer.”

“Sorry we don’t have any of that.” Gianni said.

“Shit, hey was that spazzy kid with the wide forehead and glasses who got caught up in the mudslide with you?” BigFoot asked.

“Oh you must mean Malcolm, why do you ask?” Jon asked.

“I just raped the fuck out of that dude.” BigFoot responded.

“How am I not surprised by that? Of course Malcolm would get raped by BigFoot.” Jay commented.

“Yea he squealed like a little bitch and a group of pussy douchebags watched tied to uprooted trees. They were horrified that it wasn’t consensual.” BigFoot said.

“You must be talking about The Boof Brigade. Yea they are pussy ass retards.” Kyle said.

“Wait, are they the one’s stinking up the forest?” BigFoot asked.

“Yes.” All of the boys responded.

“Wow what pricks, I’m gonna go back down and beat the ever living fuck out of these retards.” BigFoot stated.

“Good luck with that. It was nice meeting you, you’re really chill.” Gianni said.

“Yea you guys were chill also, see you around.” BigFoot replied before walking off. 

“Wow what a really nice guy.” Kyle commented.

After having a pleasant conversation with BigFoot, the boys continued up the mountain. Throughout the day the boys were drinking water from their canteens and eating jerky for protein. The boys were so close to the top but yet so far. With only half a mile to go, the mountain got steeper, and the boys ran out of their supplies. As a last resort, Kyle decided to call Nick. Nick was still lying in the middle of the parking lot with his ankle out. Nick had his phone out watching Super Mario Logan eating a bag of doritos, ignoring the fact that he was in the middle of the road with cars passing by him to get a spot. Nick answered the phone. 

“Go for Nicky D.” Nick answered.

“Yo we need your supplies we ran out.” Kyle said.

“I wish I could help you guys out but my ankle still hurts.” Nick responded. “Also what the fuck is going on up there? I saw a mudslide occur with Malcolm and The Boof Brigade in it. Then fucking BigFoot was walking around and decided to rape Malcolm.” 

“Long story, but BigFoot is actually a really good guy.” 

“Dude he’s beating the ever living fuck out of The Boof Brigade now.” 

“Wow what a true friend there. Okay we’ll be down shortly.” Kyle hung up the phone.

“Uh Kyle, you didn’t get the supplies.” Jon said sternly.

“Oh god damnit! Fuck me!” Kyle yelled.

“Alright we just have to do the best we can to make it to the top.” Gianni commented.

The boys started their journey to the top of the mountain. Within ten minutes they were halfway there dripping in sweat. Another ten minutes went by and they were on both hands and knees slowly crawling their way up inch by inch. Eventually they made it, slowly but surely. The boys crawled to the top and lied down on the peak. About to pass out, the boys heard someone calling for them. They looked over to find BigFoot running up with Nick on his back. 

“Yo this guy told me you needed water and food so I brought him up.” BigFoot said.

“Yea I called him over after he got done beating the ever living fuck out of The Boof Brigade.” Nick explained.

“Oh bet we need water right now.” Kyle said.

Nick poured water into four cups for each of the remaining boys. After one swig they were back on their feet and ready to party. The boys took out whatever alcohol they had, including the Jack Daniels bottle. BigFoot had an enormous smile on his face.

“Yo you guys didn’t tell me you had booze!!” BigFoot shouted.

“Yea our plan was to make it to the top and drink.” Mark explained.

“Bruh I gotta have some.” BigFoot said.

“Sure thing, here’s a Jim Beam bottle and a joint.” Gianni said, handing BigFoot the products.

“Bet.” 

The boys along with BigFoot set up a campfire, they drank and smoked well into the night. BigFoot told stories of the great outdoors while the boys talked about their wacky antics they got into in the past year. In the morning the boys woke up and parted ways with BigFoot, they hiked down the mountain and got back in Kyle’s car. Kyle drove the boys home, halfway they realized something important.

“Holy shit we forgot Malcolm!” Jon yelled.

“Ah he’s fine, he’ll be able to get home.” Mark stated.

“Yea I aint driving back anyway.” Kyle coommented.

Meanwhile, Malcolm was still stuck in the mudslide with his ass out. Malcolm was crying for help and was asking for the boys. 

“Guys? You still here? I’m ready to be rescued now!” Malcolm shouted.

Rustling came from the woods again as BigFoot appeared and walked over to Malcolm. BigFoot was ready for round two.

“Oh fuck not again!!” Malcolm cried.

“Shut the fuck up you dirty little slut.” BigFoot yelled.

BigFoot began to rape Malcolm yet again as he screached loudly in the woods. While this was going on, Kyle drove the boys back to his place where they partied again in order to celebrate their successful weekend hiking a mountain. 

  
  


I hope you enjoyed my boomin hike, I’d really like to do this sometime. 

  
  



End file.
